Sunday, January 11, 2015

"And no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light." - 2 Corinthians 11:14

"What makes Satan so evil?" Clive asked the girl as he was cleaning off the knife he had just used to cut up strawberries for their waffles. "What?" she responded. Clive thought she was truly beautiful. It was such a shame he was going to have to kill her. "Well," Clive responded, "In the bible. What makes God so good and Satan so bad? After all Satan only ever killed ten people whereas God killed millions." The girl stared at Clive like he crazy. They usually did. "Um," the girl said, "I mean isn't the reason he's so bad that he tempts people? Like with Eve in that garden?" Clive picked up their waffles and brought them over to the girl on his couch. "So what you're saying is that when I tempt you by offering you this waffle," Clive could feel the knife pulsating in his back pocket. It wanted to take this ignorant girl's life, "That I am essentially the devil himself?" The girl took a bite of her waffle. "Well no but..." "AND!" Clive exclaimed, "Does you accepting this waffle then make you a sinner because you gave into temptation?" The girl was speechless. This is to be expected since the guy was... What's the politically correct term for "Fucking Insane"? I can never remember these things... "Well then" said Clive as he gripped the knife in his back pocket, "as a sinner I suppose it's time for you to be judged by my God and Father." Then Clive pulled out the knife and...

After waking up from that dream I knew it was going to be one of those days. I’d had invasive dreams like that before (hell I have them while I’m awake) but that one felt… different somehow. It’s that I felt scared or concerned by this… I don’t know. It was something. I could tell just through the crack in my curtain that the sun was feeling particularly ignescent today. I wouldn’t have gone outside if it weren’t my appointment. Unfortunately I had to go to see Dr. Clemont. Isn’t there some rule about quacks being therapists? Cause Dr. Clemont isn’t exactly all there (sorry if you’re reading this Doc but you told me to be truthful).

Unfortunately Dr. Clemont’s office was in downtown, not in Dreamwood where I lived. This wouldn’t have been a problem except it involved getting on the subway. I hated being on the subway. Being underground always made me feel uneasy and yet… strangely at home.  

Evil. Sinner. Blasphemous. How is it that the same words can be so beautiful and so terrible at the same time? Why is it that humanity, after everything, hasn’t been able to define the most archaic of ideas? Good vs Evil. Light vs Dark. Comedy vs Tragedy. Moral vs Immoral. Maybe if we were different it would be more complicated but to me, with humanity, it seems so much simpler. There is just Evil. There is just Darkness. Just Tragedy. Just Immoral. Every decision anyone makes is selfish. People only help others so they can feel good about themselves.

These were thoughts running through my head in the waiting room of Dr. Clemont’s when she walked up. By the look on her face I guess I must have been thinking out loud again. I have to remember to stop doing that while in a shrink’s office. So while I’m thinking this girl walks up. Usually I just don’t humor people who try to talk to me but there was something different about this one. She was so beautiful she almost made me forget about Elizabeth. She also seemed familiar to me. Like I’d seen her before. In any case, she talked to me for a good long while about nothing in particular before I finally got bored with her. She said she owned some cupcake place and asked if I’d visit. Anything to shut you up. So I said sure.

After my extremely uneventful therapy session where I didn’t discover anything about myself or my little friend in my head I went home. When night rolled around I decided to take a walk like Clemont had told me to. I couldn’t stop thinking about my dream and what made it feel different. I was walking past the old asylum on Herschel Johnson Rd. when a meteor shower began overhead. Uncontrollably, I dropped to the ground and was overcome by an unprecedented display of ecstasy. It was in that moment that I figured out what was so unnerving about my devastatingly inhuman dream. It wasn’t that it made me feel scared or concerned. It was that it didn’t.  

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